What I've Been Up To.

**Trigger Warning: themes of depression & anxiety some readers may find triggering.**

There are a lot of things that I don't have the courage to say out loud. I might never have it. That's why writing is great. You can write whatever you want, and you can go back and edit it and re-read it and make sure you're saying exactly what you want to be saying, in the coolest manner you can think to phrase it, and you don't even have to watch people react to it.

You don't have to witness their reaction all over their face in real-time as it happens, and you don't even have to hear about it afterwards, if you don't want. You can avoid it forever. This blog had 34 comments waiting for moderation from a year ago and I just looked at them for the first time five minutes ago. Two were unpleasant. I deleted them without reading them completely. I wish real life could be handled the same way.

By and large, my audience is very understanding. You make excuses and allowances for me when I don't deserve them, which is really nice of you. You say: sure, life is hard, real life is difficult and complicated and I'm sure you have stuff going on and that comes first, family comes first, jobs and real life and actual legitimate life stuff comes first. You're busy, you don't owe us anything, there's only so much you can do, you just take your time.

Here's the truth: I wasn't busy. I'm very seldom busy. I don't have a hectic career or family life, I'm not on any committees. I don't have social clubs or sports or events and I'm not training for a marathon. I don't even have a socially-acceptable hobby, like playing an instrument or gardening.

It's been over a year, and what have I been doing? What terrible, horrific things have I been dealing with, what hectic work schedule that would leave me no energy, no time, no motivation to post or respond to e-mails or talk to anyone for a year? None whatsoever.

I'd prefer to lie. I'd prefer to tell you someone in my family was ill or something was going on at work or some vague "family problems" line that would make everyone back off because you're decent, understanding, allowance-making people. Sometimes I'd prefer to get aggressive and lash out. Who are you to make demands of my time? You don't own me. I don't work for you. I don't owe you anything.

Except I do, to some of you, and in fairness, no one is making demands of me, or my time, but me. No one has unreasonable expectations of me but me. I'm the one setting myself up to fall, and kicking myself when I do. I'm the one imagining that you're all sitting there shaking your heads, judging me, being disappointed in me, when in reality you probably have better things to do. You, probably, actually have some of that legitimate life stuff I mentioned going on. 

Now it's the dramatic revelation time. The part in this rant where I admit some deep, vulnerable secret about myself, that makes you feel sorry for me, wins you back to my side, and makes you feel guilty for ever being annoyed with my failure to live up to my commitments. This is the part where I wonder if the confession is just scapegoating out of it under the guise of being vulnerable and admitting a deep, shameful truth, and if I should just apologise and crawl back to my empty life, ashamed.

I think I can do something in-between. The deep, vulnerable truth is this: 
I'm mentally ill.

It's not as much of a big deal as it used to be. It's not surrounded by as much stigma as it used to be. It's not really dramatic at all. I don't hear voices, I don't want to hurt people, I don't think satellites are following me. Neither does it excuse my behaviour. I'm still responsible for what I do, or what I don't do. 

It probably isn't even much of a revelation; a lot of you already know, and for those who don't, well, so what? 1 in 4 people in the UK have some diagnosed mental illness, according to one of my assessing psychiatrists. Everyone has their "things" and if the statistics are right, maybe as many as one quarter of you are as fucked in the head as I am.

I think we often want to believe that our own hangups are totally unique. No one can understand my thought patterns, or how I feel about this. Even if they think they do, they still won't get it. Not really. It is deeply personal, it is tied intrinsically to my being, it is at the core of who I am and how I live my life. You haven't been through what I've been through, you couldn't possibly understand.
This usually isn't true. A lot of people understand, a lot of people even feel extremely similarly to the way I do about things. I've met some of them. There's a kind of moment you have when you've got a diagnosis that fits, and you're reading the information you've been given about it, and you see some of your most private, most belittling, most tormenting thoughts, things you don't even want to admit to yourself, written out on a page that has been photocopied out of a textbook. 
That's when I realised that maybe the things I think aren't universal truths, and maybe other people would understand - maybe some of them feel the same way, I mean, they've written a book on it. 

I'm diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder (you know, 'clinical' depression, as opposed to regular feeling sad), Social Anxiety Disorder and agoraphobia. It fits. They're three separate things here, although they aren't always. 
AnxietyUK describes agoraphobia as:
Agoraphobia is a very complex phobia usually manifesting itself as a collection of inter-linked conditions.
For example many agoraphobics also fear being left alone (monophobia), dislike being in any situation where they feel trapped (exhibiting claustrophobia type tendencies) and fear travelling away from their ‘safe’ place, usually the home. Some agoraphobics find they can travel more easily if they have a trusted friend or family member accompanying them, however this can quickly lead to dependency on their carer.
The severity of agoraphobia varies enormously between sufferers from those who are housebound, even room-bound, to those who can travel specific distances within a defined boundary. It is not a fear of open spaces as many people think.

If you want to find out more about agoraphobia, you can find out here. For more information on Social Anxiety Disorder, try here and here. For more information on depression, look here.
There are plenty of other resources online, of course, if you google.

Having a diagnosis helps. Seeing the worst thoughts you have about yourself written by someone else in a textbook helps. Knowing that mental illness lies helps. Knowing that other people feel similarly, or have felt similarly, or have been through similar, or are going through similar, helps. Especially if they're out the other side and managing - through the long process of hard work and a lot of help - to be crafting a life worth living, and to be enjoying it. 
It helps me to think that, maybe I am not just this person. Maybe I'm not just this unhappy, pathetic, worthless person who finds the simple every day tasks others take in stride so monumentally difficult. Maybe the things I think about myself, the things that I think strangers outside are thinking about me, aren't true. Maybe I'm worthy of love. Maybe I'm not defective. Maybe I can be happy, be with friends, have a life. If it is possible, then I know that I'll have to work for it, I know it's a long process, I know that it's difficult, and I know that it's terrifying. Even the thought of getting, or being better, is terrifying. This might not make much sense to some of you, so I will try to explain.

We all have our things. We are the way we are for a reason. The feelings and the fears and the behaviours I have, developed to protect me. I came from a very difficult upbringing and I learned to hide from people and to protect myself because it was necessary. Now, as an adult, and away from those people, I know that it isn't necessary any more. The behaviours I learned to keep myself safe, now just keep me unhappy, and keep me from having a fulfilling life. They are detrimental, but it took years to learn them and it takes a long time to unlearn them, and it's frightening, to try and let go of something that you have kept for years and needed to be safe. It's all you know, it's all you've relied upon, and it's terrifying, to imagine myself in a life without them, doing the things that scare me so much now, and to actually work towards that goal.

I've had therapy and medication and it's an ongoing process. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful psychologist who helped me to fully understand what was going on in my head, and who supported me as I made some progress. That relationship ended recently, as Cognitive Analytical Therapy is not meant to be ongoing and has a set limit on the number of sessions you can have (at least, on the NHS) which we reached, and unfortunately she doesn't work privately. I am struggling to keep the ground that I made in the wake of that loss, and am still looking for ongoing therapeutic support.

I pointed out that my mental illness doesn't mean that I'm not responsible for my actions, which is true. I explain all of this because, this is what I have instead of being busy. This is why I find some simple tasks to be so incredibly difficult. This is why I get overwhelmed, and why I withdraw, and this is why I'm giving up.
I start to make progress, I post a few times a week, I keep to a schedule, I respond to comments. I begin to feel that, because I've demonstrated I'm capable of doing this, I have to keep doing it. Innocuous comments making requests or even just saying that they like my writing become, in my mind, obligations that I must meet. I slip, I'm late on a post. I don't feel funny that day. I don't like makeup, or anything else that day. I'm depressed, and I can't think of anything to write that isn't self-piteous whining. So I don't write, and it's late. I feel ashamed, I feel like I'm failing. I put it off even more, because if I write it and post it, then it will just remind everyone who's forgotten about it that it was late, remind them I'm here, remind them to be disappointed in me. It passes the point of acceptable lateness and crosses into "something must be wrong" lateness. I can't explain what is wrong. I'm not busy with work, there's nothing wrong with me that anyone can see, that I have obvious evidence of. I don't have an excuse for my massive incompetence and failure to meet even the most basic level of human responsibility. So I stay away. I'm too ashamed of myself and too afraid to own up to it, and I think if I do anything, if I post anything at all, try to gloss over it, or respond to e-mails, I'll be inundated with perfectly innocent questions - how have you been? What have you been up to? - questions I hate. Perfectly innocuous, with no ill intent behind them whatsoever, but what can I say? I haven't been anywhere. I've been doing nothing. I've just felt like shit, that's all. I've been failing at basic tasks that everyone else on the fucking planet just gets on with and does without all the mental melodrama. 
I can't say that, so I don't say anything, and I stay away.

This last time is worse, because I know I fucked up. I actually do owe, some of you, something. Some of you donated to charity on the basis of a promise I made and then didn't deliver. I'm sorry. It isn't okay. Don't let me off the hook. I should have done it, or I should have done something about it sooner. I should have been a grown-up about it, and I haven't been, and I am sorry. I will refund anyone's donations who donated to buy a rant, please e-mail me so I can make it right. The address is the same - anastasia [at] lipsticksandlightsabers [dot ] com
Please don't feel awkward, or like you should feel sorry for me, because I fucked up and I owe you and you are in the right to ask for it.

I know my critics will think that this whole thing is, in fact, just self-piteous whining, that I want your attention and am scapegoating my past poor behaviour and manipulating you into forgiving me. I'm being as sincere as I can and I can't do anything about what people think about that. I've always tried to be honest here, but I've never been this honest. I'm afraid of giving this information away to the enemies I've made. I've crafted a confident online persona for myself, kept it separate from myself so I could maintain the illusion of not giving a shit when someone leaves me a shitty comment. If they didn't know me, or my weaknesses, they couldn't hurt me.
And some of them I deserve, or at the very least, invite. I've felt superior to the 'bitchy mean girls' and the make-up drama, certain that I was above it all, imperious, or failing that, that I was certainly on the obviously Right Side. One of the white hats. One of the good guys. I've been brutally honest at times, grandstanding, a hypocrite at others, and sometimes, a bitchy mean girl.
Every angry, passionate person thinks that they're on the right side. We can't all be, all the time. 

I can think of some posts that I'm ashamed of. I won't list them, there aren't many, but they're there. I've bitched, and flung mud, and felt superior, and been morally outraged at others who did the same thing on the other side. I thought it was okay because they were The Enemy, but really they're just other women, aren't they?
I've never knowingly lied, but I certainly could have been more mature, or behaved with more decorum, civility, decency, and humanity than I at times have. I think it's important, for myself, that I face up to that and acknowledge that I don't want to do that any more. Maybe I'm growing up.

I'm not back. I have no plans to resume blogging in the foreseeable future. I'm sorry to anyone who is saddened by that news, but blogging has become something that makes me unhappy, and I don't owe it to anyone to make myself miserable for entertainment.
Part of me would like to delete the whole thing, but another part of me thought that would be childish, and that the adult thing to do would be to take responsibility for myself, for my poor decisions and the promises I didn't live up to, to give an explanation to those of you to whom one is owed,  and move on.

I'm not ashamed of everything I've done here. I'm proud of most of it. I feel that the bad parts are definitely in a minority, and I think that we have helped to share a lot of joy, a lot of love for products made by hard-working and talented people, and we've laughed a lot. I've learned a lot. I've accomplished some things and failed at others, but I've tried. I've met remarkable people and made friends. I've lost some of them, driven some away, and kept others who have inexplicably stood by me throughout and help me to see the worthy parts of myself every day. 
I want to thank everyone who's ever read my posts, and everyone who got to the end of this one, whether you are a reader, lurker, friend, former-friend, or anything else.

Thank you for your time, your input, your support, and I wish you all a wonderful 2013.


mippy said...

You don't 'owe' us anything.

I've really missed your blog,. but I would far prefer you no longer write than let it affect your mental health. Thank you for a brave and honest post.

I have bipolar disorder myself, so I know how diffiuclt it can be to keep up with real life, never mind internets.

Chin up, girl x

29 December 2012 at 21:41

LydiaTheStrange said...

Before your current hiatus I found your blog and was hooked on it, and it inspired me to start blogging because of the reasons you stated: it gave me a voice that I could go back and edit, rephrase and read a million times to make sure I was coming across the right way, unlike the real world where I'm socially clueless and anxiety causes me to stutter my way through most sentences. While I'm saddened you're no longer going to continue blogging, it feels like there's been a conclusion, which is nice.

I'm also happy to see you're not going to delete your blog, I do get the occasional joy of creeping on your old posts because they're funny or because your swatches/EOTD posts are stunning in my eyes.

29 December 2012 at 22:38

The Student's Guide To Nail Polish said...

I'll miss you loads, but you said it yourself - why should you make yourself miserable for the sake of entertainment?

Wishing you all the best with your life. I'm glad this place will still be around, I'm sure I've read every post more times than is healthy by now but now I can continue doing it.


30 December 2012 at 00:30

Berry said...

As someone who is also suffering from a lot of the same things you mention in your post (depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia... plus some other unpleasant things) I want to reach out and give you a big old internet hug. I'm not saying this because I want to create or contribute to the echo chamber that made you feel guilty about not posting in the first place - I'm saying it because we, as crazy people, don't get nearly enough support. From anybody, let alone each other. Fist bump for coming out and talking about these things, because people with mental illnesses are still not accepted by society as a whole and it took a lot of courage to admit that you deal with these things, knowing that. Hope you get the help you need.

30 December 2012 at 01:38

Ana said...

Well then, I'll just wish you an equally wonderful next year :) .

30 December 2012 at 02:01

Ruth said...

I've enjoyed your blog a lot since finding it-- I started reading about a year and a half ago when I was just starting to seriously learn how to apply makeup and I always found your posts clever, helpful and succinct.
But I'm really glad you're choosing to put your health and well-being first instead of the blog; one of my best friends has been dealing with mental illness for a few years now and I know its not an easy struggle.
I wish you the best of luck in the future and its been a pleasure reading Lipsticks & Lightsabers.

30 December 2012 at 02:17

Eduard said...
This comment has been removed by the author. 30 December 2012 at 02:45

The Crafty Angel (aka Manicured/Headacheslayer) said...

*HUGS* whatever you do decide to do--I hope it brings you joy and peace. Of course I will miss you but you are right--why blog if it makes you unhappy?

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time--but it's only recently that I thought "I think maybe I have social anxiety/agoraphobia". So thank you for speaking up--that definition really hit home (um, no pun intended there).

Take very good care of yourself--you deserve that. xo

30 December 2012 at 04:57

Catherine said...

*BIG HUGS* You are not alone, dear, and though it is gonna be hard work and there's still a long journey ahead of us, I am so happy at the progress you've made with your psychologist and I hope you find an equally awesome psychotherapist to work with very soon! Good luck hon! And hope you have an amazing 2013! :)

30 December 2012 at 05:37

Midnight Aeval said...

Definitely not alone. I just found your blog tonight and have been reading many, many posts. Please take care of yourself, and try to do what brings you the most enjoyment.

30 December 2012 at 06:28

ChaosButterfly said...

I'll miss you alot. You turned me on to makeup and even though my wallet curses your name, my self-esteem loves you for it.
I'll always be grateful to you and wish nothing but the best for you no matter what. I think alot of people feel the same way.

Take good care of yourself, and I hope you have the beautiful 2013 that you deserve!

30 December 2012 at 07:58

nihrida said...

If I may use your words - I am as fu*ked in the head as you. My diagnosis is depression, but that's not the real problem. I push people away although I often feel very lonely. I don't have a social life and I barely go out... Sometimes I like it and sometimes I wish I was different. I wish I was outgoing, with a lot of friends... I think I'm missing my life as it goes by. Thank you for writing this post. It's a step forward. Not just for you, but for me too. So, thank you! I wish we (''the fu*ked ones'') will break free from all of it. Someday. I wish you all the best in 2013! :***

30 December 2012 at 08:54

Jackie said...

I'm so happy you came back to your blog to let us know how you're doing. I was worried about you. I've been a reader of yours ever since the whole lc thing exploded. I also helped you with a swatch for one of your posts on them. You shouldn't feel bad about any of your posts. They were just your feelings and I never read anything that seemed overly mean. I hope you continue getting better. Don't feel like you are disappointing anyone. From what I've seen on your blog, your readers are very understanding and only want the best for you. And you deserve the best. Never feel like you don't deserve happiness. You helped me find lots of cool indie makeup shops and helped me rant about my frustrations with LC through your writing. I wish you the best and if you ever decide to come back, I'll still be a reader. =) Lots of love!!

30 December 2012 at 09:49

Esmiralda said...

Keep on fighting! Do what makes you happy.
Don't forget to be proud of who you are, of your principles and what you accomplished so far, even though it is way harder for you.

I know it can be hard. Something that helped me a lot is keeping a one sentence journal for myself and just doing things, even if I find them scary.
I hope you find something that works for you.

Have a good 2013.

30 December 2012 at 13:01

Floam said...

The limits on therapy are irritating, I know. My cognitive behavioural therapist works under an adolescents program, so once I hit 18 in a few months, I'm only entitled to a pre-agreed finite number of sessions after my birthday. I hope you find someone who is able to help you without those constraints, and I wish you all the best. Mental illness is a giant bitch and you deserve credit for speaking so openly about it, and for writing this post to explain to us readers why we won't see more from here. *hugs*

30 December 2012 at 13:06

Kira said...

Big hugs, as many commentors have said and yourself included I also suffer from mental illness. Clinical depression that was plagued by para-suicide, anorexia and other such issues. So why I don't KNOW what you are going through, I appreciate the issues and the hard time you may be possibly going through. So know the possibilities of your pain and everything I send you many hugs to make you smile again and lots of good juju for a brighter future and all you need in life to find and keep happiness.

Your not alone in worry about what other think, I used to , and still do. However I learnt most people are way to busy with their own lives to give me any sort of through past direct discussion with them.

30 December 2012 at 14:15

IndigoOptimist said...

You do not [i]owe[/i] anyone. If you do not wish to blog you don't have to, it is not a job, you are not paid for it and if you're not enjoying it don't both doing it.
I am saddened by you decision to stop writing however. I very much enjoyed reading it! However I can understand that mental illness can make you re-evaluate some things in your life. If blogging is making you unhappy then there is no point in carrying on with it.
I wish you all the best and truly hope that things get better for you!

30 December 2012 at 14:30

Moireach said...

I was so thrilled when I saw you finally posted and it saddened me a lot to read that you won't be blogging anymore. I like your style and I loved reading your posts. But, as you wrote, one just can't make oneself miserable for entertainment.

I'm just glad you're ok and I wish you luck and all the best in 2013. Have a wonderful year and take care! :)

30 December 2012 at 19:11

Emily Carello said...

Thank you so much for writing this blog, Anastasia. Although I'll miss your posts and rants and swatches, you need to do the right thing for yourself. Thanks for blogging- you've made me confident in myself and my geekiness. Live long an prosper :)

30 December 2012 at 20:17

Letti ⚝ said...

I have some of the same diagnoses as you, and I just wanted to tell you, I get it. Not much else I can say. Maybe knowing that there are other people out there who feel as fucked-up as you do doesn't help much, but on the other hand it can be comforting for people like us to find each other.
I like meeting other mad people, anyway. Kindred spirits, if you will.

P.S. I no longer have teal hair and I've changed my Blogger profile name, but I used to go by Arlecchino Fluorescente and I think I've been reading you for the last few years :)


31 December 2012 at 23:27

Jamie A said...

I'm am a manic depressant and, as a blogger and webmiss. for the past four years I can totally relate to pretty much everything you posted here. I got to the point where I felt obligated to blog and do things even though I was the only one that set those standards and because of that, blogging, graphic design, whatever just became something to avoid because it caused more depression. It's definitely something that's hard to cope with.

I am quite sad at your announcement that you won't be returning anytime. In fact, I had just tweeted that I missed this blog when I decided to come check for updates and saw this post. I do understand your reasoning though and I sincerely hope that things turn around for you in this new year. I think you are a wonderful blogger with a great personality and you have been/will be missed in your absence.


2 January 2013 at 00:23

Ella said...

Delurking to say that I have really enjoyed reading all your posts. I'll miss your blogging of course, but your well-being will always be more important! I wish you all the best in your endeavors, whatever they may be.

2 January 2013 at 13:38

beautifulwithbrains said...

You don't owe us anything. Blogging is something that should make you happy. If it doesn't, then you shouldn't do it. I'll miss your posts but your mental health is more important.

I've struggled (still am) with social anxiety and depression as well so I get what you are going through. *hugs* Take good care of yourself and I wish you all the best for the new year. You deserve it.

2 January 2013 at 22:49

Dez said...

As some others have said, I am sad that you will not continue blogging. I've always enjoyed your posts enormously. That being said, if it doesn't benefit you, you are right to put it away. Getting you towards being some place happier and healthier, even just a little, is always the priority. I wish you the absolute best and hope you have a wonderful 2013.

3 January 2013 at 07:37

Raine said...

I struggle with my physical health issues, my bi-polar disorder, and my anxiety. I am not full-on agoraphobic but there are just some things that are normal, everyday things I can not do. One of them is go to the grocery store. I remember being little and my mom and I did the food-shopping for my great-aunt because she'd starve if someone didn't do it for her. I even remember as a teen thinking that was ridiculous. Fast-forward to adult me and I have the same *exact* problem- it's a pretty specific trigger. It's not like it's the only place- any place like a mall, or even a crowded parking lot can trigger my anxiety. I have a hard time with social situations until I'm actually in them. But in my head I make it into such a big deal and put so much pressure on myself that something fun like going to a party feels like I'm on my way to the gallows. I know I'm putting this pressure on myself but that doesn't change it or make it any easier to get over. The pressure we put on ourselves, and the battle between logic and how you actually feel and what you actually do is a hard one when you have problems like you and I. People assume you are flaking out when in reality you are torturing yourself over something that other people do without a second thought.
I understand where you are coming from. Even if you think there is no way I could- and I know everyone is different, but when it comes to these disorders we are alike. There are more of us out there than you may think. Just doing errands like going to the bank and the pharmacy for me takes hours of psyching preparing myself mentally- circular obsessive thoughts that take more time and energy than the actual errands will. There are people that won't get it. Luckily, it seems more people do than do not, in your case. You may consider me a complete stranger but I would be happy to talk to you or listen to you if you needed it any time. Darkest.sunrise@gmail.com Your blog has always been one of my favorites because your personality shines though. Now that I think of it we have talked a little via email- you gave me some good photography advice- thank you. If you ever, ever need someone to talk to about what you are going through please email me, I mean it. I could use someone who understands as well but this is much more of an offer than a request. The last thing you need right now is to feel like you owe anything to anyone else. Just know that I, WE, are here for you and will continue to be whether you blog or not. *hugs* -Lorraine (New Orleans, LA, USA)

5 January 2013 at 08:59

Rebecca Scarlett said...

I suffer from very similar conditions to you (alongside generalised anxiety), and I would just like to say congratulations on everything you have achieved. I worry and get depressed about my own blog so badly that I have over 30 posts that have been waiting for over six months, but I am too scared to post them. You on the other hand have created a great blog with a group of people who will miss you. Do what needs doing. You are the most important thing.

By the way, thank you for writing a goodbye and for not deleting your blog! It was the right decision.


6 January 2013 at 02:40

E. Underland said...

I'm glad to see you're OK and appreciate this very open and honest post. I won't pretend I understand what you've been and continue to go through but I will wish you all the best!

L&L will remain one of my all time favourite beauty blogs, take care of yourself x

18 January 2013 at 21:14

Spooki said...

Just glad to see you're alive. I don't really know you but I've been reading your blog for a while and it's always been my favorite. I'm sad you won't be blogging any more but it's more important for you to focus on your health and happiness than my personal enjoyment.

Best wishes

19 January 2013 at 02:05

Faye said...

I don't have much to say but I'm a recovering agoraphobic and just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I never thought there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel but there is.
I have enjoyed your blog and am sad you will not be blogging any more but I wish you all the best.

24 January 2013 at 19:29

yay4tay said...

I'm glad you're on a path towards healing and management, and I'm glad that you are being firm in your decision to do what is best for your own life and health, no matter what that means for this blog. The archives make me very happy, I'm grateful for anything you're willing to share. Thanks for everything you've created for us, and I wish you well! :)

4 February 2013 at 05:42

Svenja van der Tol said...

I have never left a comment before on your blog so you probably don't know me, but ever since the day I stumbled upon your blog and started reading I have been hooked. I have spit through your archives at least two times to read all your posts, because I lóve the way you write, your view on things and your articles as a whole. I was sad to see you went on hiatus and have regularly checked if you were back, so I'm glad you have posted this final (can I call it final? I think I can) post to give some clarification. Thank you for being brutally honest and opening up - I feel like you showed everyone the deep inner side of you, and that must be scary, but is also very respectful. I hope you'll be good and overcome - or learn to deal with - your 'problems' (that's such a harsh word, but you'll get what I mean). Of course, I'd love for you to continue blogging, but as stated in an earlier comment that shouldn't affect your mental health. I'll just keep myself happy with re-reading all of your archives every now and then and keeping my thumbs crossed that you will be fine. Happy 2013, make it your year :)

10 February 2013 at 21:46

Anastasia said...

Thank you to everyone who commented here. I got nothing but support and positivity from everyone, and that really means a huge amount to me.

Phyrra at http://phyrra.net has been kind enough to let me guest post occasionally over on her blog. This allows me to be able to share when I feel like I have something to say, but not feel the pressures of trying to meet expectations, and generate enough content to sustain an audience. It's a really nice arrangement and I'm pleased that I can just blog occasionally, stress-free.
I hope that I'll see some of you over there.

Thank you again, for all your support, kind words, and general awesomeness.

15 February 2013 at 14:06

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